I learned last week that I too have autism spectrum disorder. I say me too as two of my children have a diagnosis.
I feel blown away, I can see the massive wind cloud in my head blowing me over literally!
How can a woman get to their mid thirties before anyone noticed?
I am still the same person who went into that appointment, nothing has changed, I am still me.
Why does it feel so heavy then?
Now I see a massive anvil above a tiny me waiting to crush me.
Does everyone see pictures in their head like I do?
I don’t know how I feel, angry? Maybe a little, maybe a lot, all thoes times I screwed up, I have some major colossal screw ups in my past, or put myself in danger, I took foolish risks, huge risks, I didn’t see the dangers, perhaps the hardest one to face for which there may never be an answer, did I give this to my children?
Confused, no, I have always known subconsciously, deep down, I just ran away from it, hid it away.
Now I see a little girl hands over ears shouting so as not to hear.
I tried desperately hard to fit in and conform, problem is, that made me so unwell, the day I made a conscious decision to stop running five years ago this Christmas was the day I won what had been an almost life long battle with depression a depression so bad at times I didn’t want to live, I woke up one day and knew it was time to find the real me, she was inside me somewhere.
No more hiding. At least not from myself anymore.
It still took me four years to ask my GP for an assessment, I was sure she would think I had literally lost the plot completely.
Now I see me turning the house upside down looking for something….
Or worse laugh and tell me not to be so silly. As it was a refferal for assessment was no problem, from request to diagnosis six months, why can’t children’s diagnostic services be so efficient?
Relieved, yes to a point. I am different, I always have been, now I know why.
Shocked, yes definitely. I don’t think it could ever be anything other than a shock, no matter how sure you already were, no matter how ready you felt to face it, it is still a huge shock knowing you may never fit it, no matter how hard you try, not ever.
Sad, yes quite a bit, but not for my future, for my past, 30 years I have been living a lie. Too ashamed to be myself. I have suffered severe trauma and abuse by being forced to conform to societies idea of neuro typical, I have been greatly miss understood and have misunderstood others in return.
Lonely, yes very, I long for someone to talk to, a real friend, I keep friends at arms length, though I have a few amazing friends who have stayed with me over the years, whom I love greatly, but I literally can’t talk to them, although I can be amazing even outstanding at verbal communication I find it impossible to talk about what I really need and want to talk about, I used to try but I open my mouth and the words won’t come out, I can see them in my head all lined up, but they won’t come out. I have an irrational fear I have never been able to overcome that somehow the world will end if I speak thoes words I so badly want to say. When I try the words all come out wrong, wrong order, wrong words, stuttered, just wrong. I have to remind myself consciously during conversations to ask questions in return, I give all the wrong answers, people expect me to tell them how I really am when they ask? Don’t they?
That is why I am here, writing right now, my head is going to explode if I don’t let these words out.
Now there is a big black cartoon bomb fizzing away in my head..
Will I ever learn to talk, I mean really talk about all the things I can’t talk about?
What could I have achieved if I had, had a diagnosis years ago?
Will I ever get a chance to purse the proffesion I long to belong too?
Can I still follow my dreams?
Will I ever find the courage to share this new found yet somehow old piece of information?
For I was born neuro diverse, autism is a part of who I am and always have been and always will be. I belong to a different neurotribe.