UI know I feel, because I seem to almost get an overdose of feelings and emotions all the time. Everything I feel is sharp, raw and real. I have wished sometimes that I could turn feelings down a little, if I am honest a lot. It is like internally being suddenly exposed to a loud blast of music, where you automatically cover your ears and shut your eyes all the time, every time something happens that changes the way I feel at any moment in time.
I often find myself trapped swinging from one extreme to an other, desperately trying to find that peaceful middle ground. It is embarrassing crying because you are happy and not being able to get it under control the same when someone tells me something sad which isn’t really my problem but the tears will fall then too. It is also not great when happy talking so fast no one understands a word you say. Feeling is also exhausting and drains so much energy, people look forward to happy events such as parties, weddings, holidays, Christmas etc where as I dread them because they suck so much life from me, I usually enjoy the moment but the payback is sometimes crippling, the come down weighs heavily. The same with harder times, I am left internally gasping for breath, I picture myself swimming in treacle, it can take so long to build myself back up to an even keel.
As part of the assessment process I was asked to describe feelings. At first I was speechless, a very rare occurrence for me. It was like being asked the hardest question in the universe. It is not something I had really given much thought to, I have been actively labelling them for yeas for my children, to help them identify their feelings so recognition in others is not a huge problem but describing them, now that was. After a while this was how I described feelings…..
Happy, Happy is yellow, fast and bright and makes you feel lighter. It makes you feel free and airy. I picture myself soaring high in a blue sun filled sky.
- Sad, sad is black, deep, slow, endless and heavy. If Happy makes you feel light and free, sad engulfs and wraps around you. I picture myself on a hill top with layers of dark foreboding clouds gathering and towering above.
Jelousy, Jelousy is purple, prickly and is a sharpness felt behind the eyes, I have always been confused as to why it is referred to as the green eyed monster because for me jealousy is most definitely purple?
Anger, Anger is red, scarlet and hot it spreads as heat coursing through my veins. It makes it feel like heat is radiating out from me.
Calm, Calm is pale green, cool but not cold and feels soft, not heavy and engulfing like sad but not light and free like happy. Just calm. I picture myself in my favourite environment in a forest, surrounded by the special light you only find there.
Of course it is possible to feel more than one feeling at a time, and that just confuses things even further.
Feeling at peace is where I would say it combines the yellow of happy with the green of calm but some how is experienced as pale blue, which makes absolutely no sense at all if mixing colours as adding more yellow to green makes lighter green, but I didn’t make the rules. I didn’t choose the colours at no point am I aware or assigning colours to feelings or emotions it is just the way it always has been for as long as I can remember, something my mind does innately . My peace picture is standing at a Loch’s edge in a forest.
Feeling at peace is my favourite way to be my middle ground where I try desperately hard to stay. Here I can function and juggle the demands of life well.