Tainted…

Here I am writing again because it is easier than actually talking.

I am so hurt and angry, but I have to hide it.  I don’t want to spoil what tonight was for others.

Today was a significant Birthday for my partner, I put my heart and soul into organising a family meal out.  It was lovely there were seventeen of us, all family.

I have kept it together all week.  I have guided my eldest who is also an Aspie through all the scenarios he came up with of what could go wrong, offered an abundance of reassurance that he could do this.  He did.  He was amazing, especially with my youngest who would be described be professionals as having classic autism, along with developmental delay.  He is the biggest bundle of love and fun you could ever meet.

We are a family, all of us.  I refuse to leave anyone out.  We have lost friends because I have challenged our youngest being left off wedding and party invites.  He won’t ever learn to behave in an appropriate manner if he is denied all opportunities.

Tonight we faced the world heads held high a happy, proud family of five.

My children in my mind did us so proud tonight.  It was a lovely gathering.  A very rare occasion for us.

I never got a chance to talk properly to half the people there but it was really special to all be together.

I had warned the venue in advance that my youngest has significant additional needs and is severely disabled in the eyes of most, he is noisy, especially when happy, he vocalises, he will throw things, he will hit himself.  I was reassured it was not a problem.

Maybe I didn’t get the point across enough.  I felt I was very honest.

Towards the end, the manager came over and said, “I know you explained in advance about the little one, but we are getting quite a few complaints from other diners, please don’t worry about it though, I have explained.”

That was it, my day ruined.  That sentence wounded as much as any knife could of.  My heart hurts.

Why say it, if I wasn’t to worry about it?  If it was not a que for me to take some kind of action?

The bigger in size my little boy gets the less tolerant the world becomes.  His autism is not a hidden disability like my own or my eldest sons, it is clear to everyone in seconds he is vastly different to what would be considered neurotypical.

I took the only action I could, I took my beautiful innocent little boy outside away from the cruel, ignorant prying eyes.

Once outside I could see in his eyes he knew.

He understands far more that most think, I felt the tears slowly roll down my cheeks when he said “I sorry mummy.” The light in his eyes was no longer shining.

He has nothing to be sorry for, not for a second, not ever.

It is killing me inside right now knowing he understands that the behaviour he can’t control makes him a lepper to others.  That he feels guilty, or to blame.

I tell him all day everyday that he is beautiful, funny, clever, fun to be with, all those things and those that bother to get to know him would all stand up and say there is no one makes the world a happier place in the way my little boy does.

Will the wold ever really be accepting and inclusive?

I wanted to scream, he is just a little boy, do you know how hard it is to feel not welcome anywhere ever?

I didn’t waste my breath, there was no point.

Do you know how much courage it takes to attempt what we attempted tonight?

Don’t we deserve to celebrate as others do?

We are not ashamed of our son, we couldn’t be prouder of him.  For two hours he remained in his seat, ate his food and played with his older brother and iPad.  For a little boy of almost eight years, with a developmental age of two / three years he was amazing if a little noisy.

It is 2018 and ignorance is as big a problem as it was twenty years ago, people maybe have heard of autism so we maybe have awareness but we as a society are a very long way away from acceptance.

 

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